Opening of a Novel
Diary – Year Sixteen.
September
If I die before I’m sixteen, which could happen, I want my big brother Jack to carry the coffin. Not on his own: him and five tranny dwarves dressed as Snow White and all smoking pipes. He’d have to bend double to keep me level.
I want to be laid out too, in the living room at home. Take the front wheel off my bike and take off the tyre and the rim, then spray the spokes with gold paint and put it under my head in the coffin – my halo. I want my dead body to be wearing cream silk panties – the kind of thing a bride might wear. Then over that, I want one of those old-fashioned one-piece gymslips that boys used to wear as well as girls.
And I want my crotch stuffed with a sock or something so everyone who comes to pay their respects gets all guilty when they realise they can’t tear their eyes off my groin.
I want my mate Xoren to do my make up, something with lots of silver and glitter – because that might convince him that he is good for something. And the hair on my head should be died pink with little model butterflies all over.
And I want four of those seaside windmills stuck at each coffin-corner and a fan in the room so they move a bit. I want silver larmé to lie on in the coffin and just enough fairy-lights round the rim to make it sparkle.
Oh, and someone’s got to shave off these three hairs on my chest because I hate them and there’s no way I’m going to my grave with them. How long does it take for hair to stop growing after you die?
September
If I die before I’m sixteen, which could happen, I want my big brother Jack to carry the coffin. Not on his own: him and five tranny dwarves dressed as Snow White and all smoking pipes. He’d have to bend double to keep me level.
I want to be laid out too, in the living room at home. Take the front wheel off my bike and take off the tyre and the rim, then spray the spokes with gold paint and put it under my head in the coffin – my halo. I want my dead body to be wearing cream silk panties – the kind of thing a bride might wear. Then over that, I want one of those old-fashioned one-piece gymslips that boys used to wear as well as girls.
And I want my crotch stuffed with a sock or something so everyone who comes to pay their respects gets all guilty when they realise they can’t tear their eyes off my groin.
I want my mate Xoren to do my make up, something with lots of silver and glitter – because that might convince him that he is good for something. And the hair on my head should be died pink with little model butterflies all over.
And I want four of those seaside windmills stuck at each coffin-corner and a fan in the room so they move a bit. I want silver larmé to lie on in the coffin and just enough fairy-lights round the rim to make it sparkle.
Oh, and someone’s got to shave off these three hairs on my chest because I hate them and there’s no way I’m going to my grave with them. How long does it take for hair to stop growing after you die?
posted by Callum at 9:55 AM
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